Benched

Last year my husband and I played on a coed softball team with a local church we had been attending. But let me give you a low down about life before this one particular game I’d like to share with you…

During this time in our life, I was having some health issues…we weren’t really having marriage issues that we knew of…but there were definitly “Allie Issues” I had yet addressed.  I had experienced a lot of pain the months before without even realizing it I guess. I had brought a child that was not ours into our home and had to give her back to parents who cared more about drugs than her, I had a huge flood in our new home and we had to move out for a few months, I had loss of friendships, and a loss of hope I guess that really hadn’t been noticed during that time now looking back.  

After we were all moved back into our home and reality had set in that I actually could not change the world entirely by myself and life became back to normal routine again, my husband decided to take his hobby of body building to the next step and prep for some body competition thingamagigy. He was dedicated. I supported him. He changed his entire life…the way he ate every 2 hours and what he ate down to the ounce…we no longer could go out on dates and go out to eat or have normal family dinners…he spent countless hours at the gym and made a whole bunch of friends there that shared the same interests as him. He became super into this sport world that I thought was dumb to be honest. It caused some fighting but all in all I didn’t care too much and to be honest….I didn’t care because I was slowly sinking into a hole of my own and couldn’t care about anyone else but myself and my children at that time. I was a work out fanatic for many years but began to hate it…I couldn’t even stand being in the gym at all…I started gaining some weight and felt tired all the time. I was always a “people person” my entire life and I began not liking them…I just kind of gave up on all people in general? My husband who used to be anti social was actually now me it felt like…he was “people person” now…he had what seemed to me a lot of friends while I felt like I was losing everyone. 

My turning point or my eye opener I guess I should say was this softball game. I knew I wasn’t a good softball player…I had only joined to have some fun with my husband. I had been crying a lot during this time…the most random times and places I would just start crying…well, so we are at this game and its as if all of a sudden I was looking at the world without me in it…my husband was the pitcher and everyone on the team loved him…I was put on the bench during that inning and I just watched him as he was out there with the lights shining on him and laughing and smiling and everyone having this camaraderie that I was so longing for at the time. It was like slow motion. And it even seemed so silly to me then but I could feel the tears welling up in my throat…not even realizing why I was getting so sad because I didn’t care about sitting on the bench…did i? I wasn’t good…I needed to sit out…in reality, I get that…but these tears were coming…I could feel it…then, this guy in the dugout leaned over to me and looked at me with the most sorrowful eyes and said “Are you ok Allie?” and….I LOST IT…not even crying…it was like I had just been told someone died…I was soooobbing…I was humiliated…so naturally, I took off running for the car…you know, because that won’t grab anyones attention…a loud crying lady sprinting to the parking lot…oh gosh…who were these people we were playing with…what were they going to all think of me…they think Im pouting from sitting on the bench…all these things were going through my head as a lay sobbing in front of my husbands truck. I didn’t know what Justin was going to do when he got back. He did come find me….about 20 minutes later….he didn’t say a word… we both got in the car…he started driving and he said “I don’t know to be totally pissed at you right now or completely worried about you right now?”…thankfully he showed me grace and I cried all the way home without being able to explain why I was so sad. That’s kinda hard actually…to be so devastated and not really know why? 

After the softball game, Justin took control over finding out answers to these odd things I was experiencing…he took me to doctors, drove me to places where I had procedures done, made sure I had all the right tests run…never an answer, never a true diagnosis. I felt embarrassed. ashamed. Why was I so weird now? Months had gone by and the Lord started working in my husband. God began to reveal things to him about our marriage and me that I had not seen…I had been benched.

I had been losing myself ever so slowly and instead of giving me a hand to grab hold of, he unknowingly benched me. He sat me down alone and put his desires first and every now and again would look at me and say “whats wrong with you?”…”who are you?”… but by the GRACE of God he showed my husband that I was drowning in loneliness, grief, and bitterness. Just a few weeks before the “big competition” my husband quit it. After a year of training pretty much, he just quit.  He said it didn’t matter to him anymore and at the time I did not believe him but now I do. The very second God opened Justin’s eyes to the reality of our marriage that was starting to crumble, without even a second glance at what he would leave behind, my partner in life quickly and with the greatest force reached down his hand in the pitch black dark pit, found my hand flailing about, and grabbed it with all the strength he had and began pulling me up…and he hasn’t let go of his grip since. 

I share this story with you because marriage is so misunderstood in this world. It’s like the show The Amazing Race…two people make up the team to win the game because it takes two people to win…God knew it the second He created Adam…you’re partnered up to go through this journey not to self satisfy and make yourself blissfully happy for forever….you’re matched up with the person you said your vows to so that when one falls, there is the other to pick them up and when you have both selflessly loved the other, you can find yourself in a holy, beautiful marriage that is 100% better than the movies. It’s real and it’s passionate and it’s worth all the sacrifice in the world. To be loved the way I have been loved these past few months reminds me that I have a heavenly father who loves me even more than that and I can never truly be alone when the lie of satan whispers in my ear that I am alone…I am not alone…God sent His son to show me His love on the cross all those Sundays ago and He sent Justin to show me He is the creator and perfecter of all and can change anyone who has a heart for Him. 

I encourage you friends, fight for what God wants in your life and in your marriage…you have to sometimes…whoever is the strongest at that time…reach out with all the love and power you can and find your partners hand, grab it, and don’t ever let go of it…then when there comes a day that you need to be pulled out of the ditch, you’re already on you’re way back up. 

Im so blessed to be married to my best friend…the boy I went on my first date with 13 years ago yesterday November 3rd…13 years and God has never let go of us…not ever. 

love well…