Foster families all over this country probably felt like my husband and I did when we saw the previews for Mark Wahlbergs recent film Instant Family. Wait, they actually made a movie about foster care…like real life foster care…and there is actually award winning actors in it?!?!?! NO. WAY. It sounds dramatic but there was a bit of serious shock that there would actually be a movie all about what its like fostering children in this country. We don’t seem to be a subject many talk about or even care about so the fact that there is a movie all about what we really do…we were all pretty stoked about it! I say we were excited about it because most foster families I know, ran out to go see it as soon as it opened…I got a ton of positive feed back from others and heard that it would be a little hard for us to watch…particularly with our personal stories we had been through in this journey but all good things mainly. Justin and I for consecutive weekends in a row would be like “hey, you wanna go see it?” And we would both do this internal self check thing and be like “nope, not yet, not in the mood” …we both weren’t ready for the emotional reality of seeing it all unfold on the big screen I think.
My parents finally got us all together as a big family to go and see it over the holidays and lets just say…this movie was pretty dang accurate. There were things in it that only a foster family would know, so I knew there had to be a foster parent involved in writing the script. We laughed so hard at the funny parts that I think were so much more funny to us than the rest of the family as it was almost like “oh inside joke” stuff…funny mainly because we really really get it! We sobbed at the sad parts because…well, you guessed it…we get it! I actually wrote notes during the movie so I could remember all the truths in there that I wanted to highlight for those of you that don’t know the behind the scenes of this calling… here’s the jidst of it:
-connection not great at first with the kids coming into your home *absolutely, if you feel like there will be some miraculous connection at the start, you will be sadly mistaken as these kids are TRAUMATIZED …and regardless of the ages…they’re coming into your home wounded and on complete defense mode
-people concerned about their own kids safety *none of my family or friends have ever given me this impression whatsoever but to pretend like there isn’t a stigma on the kids in our system and putting them around peoples “normal healthy kids” is silly
-trash bags for their belongings * 100% fact, out of all the kiddos we have had come to our home, not one of them came with any personal belongings…we started getting trash bags after some of the kids first visits with their bio families
-bedtime routine is a joke *um, yesssssss…for some reason bedtime routine is ALWAYS a challenge at the beginning because there is just something personal about putting kids to bed and when you don’t know if they like the light on or off, pacifier or no pacifier, blanket or no blanket, lullaby or book, etc.
-honeymoon phase *oh yes
-public tantrums *we always look like the crazy people
-marriage issue arise *this foster care stuff is hard…it takes so much out of you and its a challenge every day so you add that along with your regular life challenges and you will eventually find you and your partner are having a hard time connecting…it takes WORK people…work and a whole lot of Jesus
-just laughing at the complete ludicrousness of so many situations you and your partner will find themselves in *this is a must for survival
-feeling like you suck as a foster parent *no lie, no lie at all
-everyone thinking you’re “so great” *um, that feels great to hear but lets not kid ourselves…bahahahaha
-feeling like you’re just stuck and wanting to give up on them *that bed scene had us laughing so hard when Mark and Rose talk about how they can get rid of them…trying to concoct a plan…had me ROLLING (See we aren’t saints)
-night terrors *these poor kids suffer with nightmares terribly
-bio visits * they are mostly awkward and kinda awful though they can be good sometimes but seriously hearing “thanks for watching them” and feeling like a glorified babysitter by the bio family never feels great *also, the kids will finally start getting used to your home and family and start to really heal and then go to their bio visit and BOOM they revert and back to square one…it can be the most infuriating thing about foster care…every week that visit can bring so much more work for the rest of the week and then repeat the next week and on and on and on
-when the judge says “this is not about you” when the foster parents wanted to speak at court *ouch…this one hurts so badly….so badly…to not be able to speak up for these precious babies you have been parenting for an extended amount of time is honestly cruel…its cruel…and like in the movie…the mom is treated with respect and is allowed to speak and it just makes you feel as small as an ant
I think the sweetest part about this movie honestly, is the symbolism of the house being restored…what a perfect example of foster care…taking something that others may dismiss and see as a burden or as damaged but being able to see past the obvious afflictions and just see beauty…to know that A LOT of hard work and LOVE is the recipe to bring that beauty out in them…that restoration and healing can birth a family…family, being the first institution God created…long before governments and churches, He created family….its important and we all deserve one.
